This is a #MyMommingStory Guest Post from Amanda of @notyourminivanmomma. She is also the creator of @therealinstamoms on Instagram
Pregnancy after loss - for some reason I was in denial that the possibility of a miscarriage would happen to me... until it happened. I ended up having a d and c and after that was planning on waiting a few months to start trying again and then BAM... pregnant, about 2 weeks after the procedure.
I wasn't filled with excitement or the tears of happiness that I was with my first. I instantly felt anxiety and my head filled with all the 'what ifs' and it didn't go away until my son was in my arms. I never felt like I would actually get my baby. Ultrasounds were the worst for me (that's how I found out I lost my first), I went in blissfully unaware anything was wrong.
My husband ended up buying me a fetal Doppler because I was getting so worked up over it and I couldn't tell you how many times I used it. I would wake up at 2-3-4 am and if I didn't feel the baby I would go into the bathroom, lay on the floor and pray to god that I would find his heart beat ( Im not even that religious but I didn't know what else to do).
It was horrible for me and not at all what I expected my pregnancy would be. I always thought my baby/babies would be taken away from me again. I say babies because this fear didn't leave me when I got pregnant with my daughter either. However, I got my baby and he was born healthy and perfect.
21 months later I delivered my daughter and oddly enough she was born on the due date of the baby I had lost. I can't help but feel like I was robbed of an experience that should have been happy and exciting but I am so beyond thankful for my 2 children.
