10 Things NOT to Say to an Overdue Woman (and how she may respond)

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I was over due with both my babies. With my son, I was 11 days overdue. Yes, nearly two weeks overdue and I was feeling pretty ragey (that's a word, right?). There's something that happens in all of your social interactions when you are uber pregnant - people get nervous and can only talk about how pregnant you are.  Below is a list of 10 things people said to me when I was pregnant and how I responded (or how I really REALLY wanted to respond):

1. Have you had your baby yet?

"Oh, crap, I totally forgot to call you."

2. You are still pregnant? 

"Are you blind? If you are, my sincerest apologies. If not, why the heck would you ask this?"

3. How's your cervix?

"How's YOUR cervix?"

4. When are you due? 

"Last week." This is usually followed by tears welling up in her eyes.

5. Are you sure you had your due date correct? 

"No. I'm not sure, but that's what the doctor told me so EXCUSE me for putting some weight on it."

6. You are HUGE! 

***punch in throat***

7. They all come out at some point. 

"ACTUALLY they don't. One time I saw on National Geographic a lady who had been pregnant for 46 years (watch it for yourself). Granted she was in a tribal community with no modern healthcare and her baby died and calcified in her body. While, I KNOW this could never happen to me in a first world country, the truth is that NOT ALL BABIES COME OUT! So do not tell me this. It is NOT helpful."

8. All my babies came right on their due dates. 

"Whoopdie fudging DOO! Good for you. And I'm sure they all were potty trained at 5 weeks old, right?"

9. Have you tried to induce labor with (fill in the blank here)?  

"Oh really? I should use castor oil? I LOVE diarrhea! Sex? Yeah, I haven't been able to sit down in a week, but I'll give that a try. Oh, I have to orgasm too? ***cynical laughter*** Walking? Yeah, you can check my fitbit, but I've already logged 20,000 steps today. Nipple stimulation? Um...nope."

10.  You've just made such a comfortable home for them that they don't want to leave. 

"Awe that's sweet. BUT GET THIS THING OUT OF ME RIGHT NOW OR I WILL CUT YOU!"

 

Here are some alternatives:

Pretend she is not pregnant and talk about ANYTHING else. 

Ok, your time to share. What was the least helpful thing anyone said to you when you were overdue?